pathetic.
how can i explain earlier? irrational slight nagging feelings pulling me deeper in until they're just part of an inescapable cycle
it's the same equally irrational and lost sadness as the acid had. i almost wish i could go back there, i would have stayed out longer on the surface of the planet, in the empty cold windy streetlit alleys.. but then i knew that what happened to me was very likely to have a long lasting effect.. much dismay if this is it, it is much more probable than anything else. adds insult to injury if it's self inflicted, and insult twists and pains just as much as any wound
*shakes self*
temporary recovery always feels falsely refreshing
today wasn't all right. college is feeling really strange, i know how to deal with it, and i am, but the fixed and stubborn nature of the routine gets to me as much as it ever did. conversing with people is strange, as well. but that's only today, i think
i ran from him today. he didn't even realise until he'd woken up from slyly falling asleep. i hurt myself when i did that, too. i greeted him, a sleepy him, went upstairs, lay on the bed for a few seconds with him. his nipple looked so appealing under his dirt white shirt, i bit him. it hurt more than i meant, i just left, out into the sunshine, out into the away.
and again, dealing with myself using separation. i'd like this to be the last time i do this to myself. at the time, any time, the prospect of self punishment appeals, but i think it does serve it's purpose more if it finds interruption.
in that empty cold windy streetlit alley, i find myself wishing i had let go. of him, of all.
this isn't free. even stripping away all the obligations, institutions, it's not. but i chose this for myself, and freedom would be very lonely without him.
how can i explain earlier? irrational slight nagging feelings pulling me deeper in until they're just part of an inescapable cycle
it's the same equally irrational and lost sadness as the acid had. i almost wish i could go back there, i would have stayed out longer on the surface of the planet, in the empty cold windy streetlit alleys.. but then i knew that what happened to me was very likely to have a long lasting effect.. much dismay if this is it, it is much more probable than anything else. adds insult to injury if it's self inflicted, and insult twists and pains just as much as any wound
*shakes self*
temporary recovery always feels falsely refreshing
today wasn't all right. college is feeling really strange, i know how to deal with it, and i am, but the fixed and stubborn nature of the routine gets to me as much as it ever did. conversing with people is strange, as well. but that's only today, i think
i ran from him today. he didn't even realise until he'd woken up from slyly falling asleep. i hurt myself when i did that, too. i greeted him, a sleepy him, went upstairs, lay on the bed for a few seconds with him. his nipple looked so appealing under his dirt white shirt, i bit him. it hurt more than i meant, i just left, out into the sunshine, out into the away.
and again, dealing with myself using separation. i'd like this to be the last time i do this to myself. at the time, any time, the prospect of self punishment appeals, but i think it does serve it's purpose more if it finds interruption.
in that empty cold windy streetlit alley, i find myself wishing i had let go. of him, of all.
this isn't free. even stripping away all the obligations, institutions, it's not. but i chose this for myself, and freedom would be very lonely without him.
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